AT THE CROSSROAD

We all run into setbacks--big and small--in life...we don't get the job we really wanted, we travel to the theater only to find they're sold out, potential business partner acts unfairly and angers us. And on and on. Who hasn't run into a handfull or more of those? And, of course, we have to get past them and move on.

But what is not commonly seen is that each setback brings us to a psychological crossroad...and taking the wrong road can have far reaching, long lasting effects far more important to our lives than getting that job, seeing the show or not feeling angry that day.

There are two basic ways of looking at life: from a benevolent or a malevolent perspective. The benevolent view is that life is good, things will generally work out, life is always worth the effort. The malevolent perspective is that your life is in a general mess, things are chaotic and not likely to work out for the better, and life is simply not enjoyable.

The particular perspective you buy into was developed imperceptibly over a period of time, beginning in childhood. How those close to you--parents, friends...responded to setbacks was likely of great influence in shaping your personal perspective. The scope of early setbacks, how you chose to deal with them, and the success or failure of those choices, may be influencing factors. Your genetics may also have played a role.

It is easy to see how your life perspective connects to your prospects of attaining happiness. The accumulation of negative experiences--anger, disappointment, resentment--will likely reinforce a malevolent perspective, or even convert a benevolent perspective to a malevolent one. The shaping of your perspective is a continuous one.

Didn't get the job? You could think, "I always seem to miss out, I'll never amount to anything great, what do I do now?" -- or, "Maybe I should broaden my horizons, the perfect job for me is out there, what can I learn from this?"

Theater tickets sold out? What do you say? "Wasted time travelling here, should've gone to the ballgame, shoot, nothing to do this evening" -- or, "Not often in this part of town, maybe I can find a great new restaurant to eat in, or a unique curio or antique shop to buy something for the house with the money I saved on the tickets, it's a great night for a walk, can use the exercise."

"Can't believe a potential partner would be so unfair, you can't trust anyone any more, the woorld sucks" -- or, "Glad I found out about him before it was too late, it is always good to know the truth, maybe I can do this deal on my own."

Yin, yang. Here's the tip. Each time you run into a setback, after you have come to grips with it, literally say to yourself, "What is the positive side to this experience?" Almost everything that happens to us in life has both a positive and negative side to it. Verbalizing the upside of an experience not only helps to keep the setback in perspective of everything else that is good in your life, but goes further...it converts the setback into something advantageous and opportunistic.

Doing that repeatedly will help you from taking the wrong turn at that critical psychological crosroad.