I need you to fill out this form in triplicare, answer all the questions in Parts A, B, D and E, and F, if you are pregnant, or may become pregnant intentionally or otherwise.
I'm not pregnant. I'm a man.
Have you had a birth control test within the past 30 days?
No, of course not.
Then you must state that fact in Part F, question 2(c) and then in question 3(b) state that you believe you are not pregnant.
Believe? I'm a man!
We only have your word for that.
Want to see?
What?
Want to see that I'm a man?
This is not a small matter.
No, it's not a small matter.
And we need 3 pieces of identification, 2 with your picture on it...a passport?
I don't have a passport.
A birth certificate?
I don't have one and the hospital where I was born shut down before they filed a copy with the county office.
A marriage certificate?
I'm not married.
A driver's license?
I have no license. I have palsy and am not allowed to drive.
A high school diploma?
I dropped out in my junior year.
Mr. Whatever your name is, then as far as we're concerned you don't exist.
You're talking to someone who doesn't exist?
Legally, you don't exist.
Do I exist actually?
I don't know.
You don't know?
No. So I can't count you as living for purpose of the census.
I was counted last time.
You must have died.
And gone to Hell.
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