THE SHAME OF IT ALL

We suffer from a painful and debilitating emotional disease: embarrassment -- the feeling that our conduct has not measured up to our accepted standards of behavior. The disease comes with varying severity, embarrassment being the mildest, usually involving a minor impropriety, failure or infractions. With regard to more significant standards and matters, the disease may rise to the level of shame, or even mortification. There are also various hybrids of the disease, including humiliation (when the disapproval of others is an added element) and chagrin (when humiliation is mixed with anger).

Since the disease comes from the failure to act in accord with a standard, an important factor to examine is whether it is in fact the right standard to live by. Many standards that we hold were not chosen by us directly, but were ingrained in us by family, teachers and religion when we were young, imposed on us by society, and accepted by us without much thinking. All of those standards ought be examined and evaluated in terms of your personal values and virtues.

Another contributing cause to this disease is our common failure to recognize that we are not omniscient nor infallible...that concomitant with our ability to choose our behavior is our ability to choose incorrectly...that as humans we may feel lazy when we "know" we ought be productive, angry when we "know" we ought be compassionate, etc.

We are not automatized robots but the most complex, intricate and advanced form of life. We have no buttons to be pushed that will guarantee we meet or exceed our standards.

That is not to suggest that we abandon all standards of behavior and live with an "anything goes/I don't give a damn" attitude. That would be devastating to the nature of the species that we are. We are likely never to be perfect in all that we do. That fact of life must be included in our evaluation of what we have done.

Of all the things you will judge and evaluate in the world, none is more important than you, So the next time you feel the disease coming on, here is the antidote:

Examine the unmet standard and confirm whether it is the right one for you to live by. If it isn't, there is no disease. If it is, recognize the totality of what and who you are, feel pride and self-respect for all of the times you met your standard, make appropriate amends to those you may have harmed...and kiss the disease goodbye!

INTO THE VOCAB TRASH CAN

ashamed

embarrassed

foolish

humiliated

sorry

Five words I am voting out of the English language. They are words a healthy human ought not ever feel...because they are based on misguided perceptions of perfection about ourselves, or of others about us...because they stem from accepting standards thare either unrealistic or unattainable...because they all cast us in a negative spotlight...because whatever we learn from experiencing them (usually little) can better be learned in a positive context...because they attack our ability to fully and unqualifiedly accept the reality of who we are...because they demean rathan than ennoble human life...because they are used by others to enhance undeserved feelings of superiority...because they are often used without true meaning...because they contribute to depression and feelings of inadequacy... because they are often said artificially to gain undeserved favors and acceptance.

Here's my tip: the next time you feel ashamed, embarrassed, foolish, humiliated, or sorry, stop and think about whether you did something that makes those feelings rationally deserved, and, if they are, make amends to repair any damage you may have caused, accept the reality of you, and be determined not to have to feel that way in the future...and then forget what you did and move forward with your life.

Or, go 30 days without thinking or using those words and see if you don't feel better about yourself.

Try it, or you may feel sorry you didn't.